Jason's Blog

Archive for February 2nd, 2004

A new poem…

by on Feb.02, 2004, under Poems

You can link to it here, and it’s also pasted below…

The one I love…
by Jason McIntosh
02/02/2004

My heart stands heavy, burdened by fear and despair,
Every aching moment, another breath in, and out,
It hurts to know, that which is loved, is lost,
For only after, do we truly know love truly.
I loved, and will always love, this I know now,
Like the fish out of water, breathing air,
It knows not what it had, till tis’ lost,
For only now do I know, how much I’ve lost in thee.
We danced a dance, kissed in the spring, listend to the rain
We lived a life, we loved together, embracing each other,
We danced to a song, traveled far and wide, saw many sights,
We shared some things as with no other I’ve ever shared.
Some things never are lost, but live on in memories,
The touch of a hand for the first time, the doors opening,
The smile of a present received, the first kiss,
The dinners, the games of skill, the movies watched,
In all of these, though some bad, so many good remain,
and I look now, seeing pain I caused, but remember still,
that there was good throughout, good someday to find,
good that hopefully will never die, good that may be found.
Fear still grips me yet, fear of loss, fear of pain,
Fear of being forgotten by the one loved most heart and soul,
Fear for a lifetime of regret,
Fear causing mistakes made worse by fear,
Fear of never hearing a voice, of touching a hand,
Fear of losing forever what my heart desires most.
To thee oh heart, I pray, and always shall,
Keep thy love, keep thy pain, grow!
And to another, I pray thee now, perhaps someday,
Forgive the pain, forgive the hurt, remember the good,
See what may be, instead of what once,
Or, remember yet what was good,
Look again, as I looked again, learn to love again, as I love now…

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Another personality thing…

by on Feb.02, 2004, under General

No matter how I make act like an extrovert, I really and truly am a severe introvert. I can talk, hang out with anyone, but most of the time all they ever see is the surface. Only maybe one or two people have ever seen me truly cry. Even more, only a very few people have ever truly known me, known what makes me tick, what goes on in my life, knows how I feel, when I hurt, and when I’m happy.

As part of that, it’s when I hurt most, that I hide in myself the most, and it’s when I struggle the most. I’m in some ways hiding right now, so others don’t see the hurt, to try and heal. I see myself doing it, even though I try and go out and live life. It’s just that inside, when you feel dead, it’s hard to go out and feel alive….

So, please, as I’ve asked before, prayers. I’m not smoking, and haven’t smoked yet, although I feel the urge. I am resisting, finishing a promise I made a long time ago, one that I broke, and will always regret breaking. So, please my friends and readers, pray for me, pray for my heart, pray for strength, pray for life….

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