Jason's Blog

Was the year and seven months all a lie?

by on Feb.08, 2004, under General

I remember distinctly visiting a friend, when shit was going on in his life, and his significant other was having major issues. I remember one line right now, distinctly “was the last X years all a lie?” That’s what I’m feeling like, right now. That all the trust, all the honesty, all that of myself, which was everything, that I trusted was all for nothing. And the hard part is, I really don’t want to believe that, and in some ways, can’t believe that. I can’t believe that everything I worked so hard on, everything I cared so much about, is gone, that all my trust, that everything was false. It’s something that hurts, very very deeply. I’m still dealing with it, and probably will for quite some time. I just hope that someday we’ll both get past this. I hope that someday, she’ll realize it wasn’t a lie. That maybe it was all real, not just a dream…. Even harder, is that I still hope, someday for reconcilliation.

Hope and love are funny things. It’s hard, that even when hurt the most, more than you ever thought you could be hurt, and by the person you love the most, you still love that person, regardless. I guess that’s really the answer – that love isn’t a lie, no matter what anyone else believes. And it’s that which I’ll hold to, despite everything. I have to trust in love, and in hope, and most definitely in God, who’ll help me with this. I’ll have to hope that love was true, and wasn’t in vain, and that it was real. It still feels real, right now, deep in my heart….Maybe someday it will be real again….


2 Comments for this entry

  • gina

    X number of years was not a lie.  Instead, we can look at it this way: 

    God brings people into our lives for different reasons, for different amounts of time, and each and every one of these people are meant as blessings – even when we cannot see how they blessed our lives (sometimes the blessing is simply a lesson learned, big or small).  We have each other for however many months, years, decades, and for that time we can appreciate the love, laughter, and life that came of it. 

    Sometimes we just cannot keep on keeping on.  This never denies that there is love and was love.  It just says that things are different now somehow.  Sometimes we have to leave before we do stop loving and start hating, resenting, and/or disappearing.  This is for the best of both people, even when it may not seem the best thing for both at the time.

    Your girlie and you loved each other.  It was clear.  The relationship ended but this never negates the time you had together, the love you felt and shared, or the truths learned, growth attained, or beauty seen throughout X number of weeks, months, or years.  That time together was a blessing, one God granted you both.  Just keep in mind that you were granted each other for X amount of time and be so grateful for that time. 

    {shrug}

  • Anonymous

    I second what Gina said. It is all true. However, it doesn’t stop it from hurting like hell. So let yourself feel, grieve and be mad. You won’t ever feel better if you try denying or pushing away what you want and need to feel.

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