Jason's Blog

Archive for February 11th, 2004

Some rambling thoughts, trying to figure stuff out…

by on Feb.11, 2004, under General

I’ve been sitting in bed for the last hour, unable to sleep. It’s one of those where late at night, I sit and just think, often about the past, often questioning myself. I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings, figure out my life, just figure things out in general. I have no definite conclusions, and probably never will. Everything changes over time, and with that, my feelings change, and thus my conclusions would change.

Some things I’ve thought about, and maybe come up with though. What hurt a lot about being called a lier, beyond being a central part of me – my belief in honesty – is that I don’t know that there was any way I could have explained things going on in my life at the time. This was primarily because it wasn’t untill a few months later when I figured that stuff out. I’ve never been one who’s been good at emotions, or understanding my own emotions. And that’s why I’m often a night owl. I’ll sit up late, thinking, pondering, analyzing what I’ve felt, what was going on in my life at various moments. That’s one of the reasons being called a liar hurt so much – it’s because I was honest. I just didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. I didn’t have the words for it at the time, didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling, or the stress, or all the details, and I got penalized heavily for that. It took me two months just to figure things out. As such, I was called a liar because I couldn’t explain with words at the time what I was feeling, and thus it was out of my control, and that hurts – to have that label, to no longer be trusted because I had no way of explaining things at the time, and that even later when I did explain things, it wasn’t ok. Despite a promise earlier that that was fine. Even more, being called a liar because I didn’t know at the time what I was feeling, is just hard to deal with. I just wish that I could have explained things better, or understood them better, that “life had a rewind button” so I could go back, and explain things as I see them now. As they say, hindsight is 20/20

Part of all of this, is I look now, and wonder what happened. Whether I could have tried harder to explain things, whether I could have looked deeper in myself, not let the emotions of the time affect my judgement. Further, I wonder if there is any way I could have said things better, to explain things better, or whether if perhaps we’d both listened more to each other, whether that would have helped.

Now, I have at least recognized at least one fear that I have. It’s fear of the future, fear of committing to an unknown path, or any path that I’m not already on. It’s a fear I’ve held for a long while, and it’s one I’ll probably always hold. It’s fear of being alone, of not knowing what is in my future, what the path ahead bears, as it’s something I’ve never seen or done. It’s a fear of uncertainty, especially now when everything I’d hoped for has been taken away, and now I really don’t know where I’m heading. I’m trying to figure that out, figure out what path to follow, figure out what God is calling me to do, and I’m trying not to be afraid to follow that. Further, I’m trying not to be afraid of being hurt again, and trying not to let the hurt sink in deep, to look for hope, to trust in God as I need to. This isn’t an easy thing, and it’s hard doing it alone. I know God is with me and that I’m not really alone, but that’s sometimes hard, because it requires faith, and faith is an emotion. And as said, emotions are hard for me to understand or deal with.

I still don’t have too many conclusions and only time, as said, will maybe help me to see clearly. I do know I’m going to keep walking whatever path God has set before me, and pray for help, pray for guidance, and the patience to do as God has asked. I pray that God will guide me through all of this, help me figure out my thoughts, help with healing, and just help in general.

So, a few last prayer requests for the evening – that of just prayer for God’s will, that it be done, and that we trust in that, and in healing with time, healing and understanding. That what I feel God is calling me is what he really wants me to do and that I’m really listening to him, and not my wants, and that he help me through all my struggles. And one last prayer – for help explaining what I’m feeling, help with my feelings, dealing with them, and understanding them.

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