Jason's Blog

Wow, some memories… and odd?? thoughts..

by on Feb.16, 2004, under General

I was in a traffic jam today while driving to my parents house. There was an accident on I-70 near Lake of the Woods, on the east-bound side of I-70. It was stopped all the back to 63. The thing that’s entertaining was that it brought back a lot of memories of when I was in my parents minivan as a kid. The reason it brought back some of these memories, is that instead of being a passenger, this time I was driving. It was a weird sensation, to be in a completely different place, to look back and see where I’ve come. Even more, it was kind of a role reversal, to be driving instead of being the kid.

Even weirder was a feeling or thought that I’d never really had before. That I’d like kids in the back seats, kids who are my own. That I’m almost in a sense ready for that next step. I’m of course not ready yet, and probably won’t be for a year or two, but it’s like, all of a sudden, I can perceive such a thing as being possible (even preferable), while a few months ago, the thought of committing to anything on a permanent basis scared the living piss out of me. Now, for some reason, and perhaps it was just time and space alone, and all this prayer I’ve been doing lately, I can perceive of having kids, being married, etc. and it doesn’t scare or bother me. That even more, I actually look forward to it at some point.

It’s an odd thought, and maybe just a sign of getting older. Or it’s a sign of finally making permanent decisions. I’ve made a lot of them lately, and with the decision to try and move forward in life, to get past where I’d been, to find God’s path, this realization, this willingness to look forward, and even in some ways excitement has come into my life.

Now, please understand, in some ways I’m still very scared by the thought, and it will take time to adjust. But, here recently, with a lot of decisions I’ve made and thought heavily about, I realized that I do want kids, several of them (4 would rock), and that someday I intend to be a parent. And that someday I think I’ll be a good parent….Odd, so very odd….

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