Jason's Blog

The world of randomness

by on Feb.17, 2004, under General

First note, I have to agree with a friend on this sentiment with regards to Microshaft:
I agree totally and completely. It’d be nice if they could do standards of SOME sort….

On a completely different note, I had an interesting evening, praying and thinking after going to daily mass. I’ve also decided that I’m going to try and hit any of the daily masses that I can. I remember once, a long time ago, being very excited about going to daily mass, and when I was a freshmen and sophomore, going almost 5 days a week. I’ve been trying to figure out the last few weeks/months why I had lost interest in it, as well as had been struggling with my faith in general. I’ve been trying to figure out why, trying to figure out my views on God, religion, etc. I sorta had some realizations here this afternoon or evening.

First, I realized that a part of it was a loss of community. I no longer feel all that welcome at Newman, or see people who are all that welcoming or interested in talking. It used to be after daily mass, at least a few people would hang around and chat. With that loss of community, it was like going to church alone in many ways. There were few, if any there who would welcome me, and with that, I stopped feeling comfortable at Newman. Now, as part of that, I should have welcome Linda going with me to mass, and been glad of her company (and I was the few times I did go with her). But I really never gave it enough of a chance, and I wonder if I was still so put off by the lack of community….

Second reason, including some realizations with what I did with Linda, and the mistake I made there in breaking up with her. I realized these last few years, that in a lot of the things I was struggling with, instead of opening up on whatever issue, I was trying to deal with them alone, without any help. Further, instead of asking God for help, the one person I at least should have asked, I turned away. All this time, I should have been asking for guidance and stopped praying. It’s interesting to note, that God is pretty forgiving, and has been helping me a lot lately, and I’m hoping I’m doing his will now…. There’s no real good excuse for any of my behavior (well, excuses aren’t good at all), and the only thing I can do is try and analyze my behavior (and like any thought of mine, give it time, and it may change as I analyze it again and again and ….).

The only thing I’ve “figured out” is that I’d grown up doing things on my own, grown up without any real faith, and only recently have I received any challenge on such issues. I had always dealt with things on my own, and continued to try doing so. It’s interesting that now, after so much, I’m finally facing that challenge, and turning towards God, in my moment of “need”. And with that, I’ve done a lot of praying, and feel I’ve received a lot of answers. Some of them are kinda confusing and scary, and there’s not so much a definite with them, and I wonder at times whether it’s really God’s guidance, or my own wishes. One of the answers that I am sure that is from God, is the whole commitment thing, the realization and acceptance that I had an issue with that. And the interesting thing, is that after praying to God about it, I overcame my fear of commitment.

I was deathly afraid earlier of any kind of commitment, and instead of talking to God, praying, or talking to Linda about it, I tried dealing with it on my own. I think my heart realized it wanted to make a commitment, and as I’d told a friend, I had planned on it at some point, but I was so scared of it that I couldn’t hardly face the thought of commitment, and struggled with it alone. This evening, I had a conversation with a friend, and he commented that he saw that in me, saw that I really wasn’t in some ways ready for a commitment. With that, and looking back, I still see so much of a commitment fear, and wish I’d seen it sooner. That’s why I made a mistake and broke up with Linda. I just now wish I’d noticed it earlier, that perhaps I could have turned towards God sooner, instead of only now working on the challenge Linda gave me a while back – to work on my faith and to pray to God. But, perhaps I just needed the space to do so, to realize that he was lacking in my life.

So, in all bad things, there are some good. Regardless of what my future holds, at least I’ve learned to ask God for help carrying my burdens, to open up more, instead of trying to shoulder and deal with it all myself. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and in some ways, I never learned it, even when I started with my faith journey. As part of that, I also wonder where it’s leading me. I just regret not noticing my difficulties sooner, not saying something, not PRAYING sooner…

In the end, all I can do is trust in God, have faith, pray one heck of a lot, and look forward to his help and guidance. So, as always, I ask for prayers, for help, guidance, strength to follow God’s will, faith in his plan, and most importantly, the wisdom to know his will and to differentiate it from mine. I’m hoping right now that what I feel is his will, praying that it is….

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