Jason's Blog

Archive for February, 2004

I hate being sick.

by on Feb.20, 2004, under General

Dude, two things, although let me say this first – don’t expect any of this to make sense right now, as I’m funky. First, yesterday’s weather was ROCKING. I loved the little bit that I got out to enjoy it. And as part of that, I’m wondering if the weather is screwing me up, because today it stinks.

Second, when I say screwing up – I feel all kinds of screwy at the moment. Stomach kinda funky. VERY hot, warm, etc. Head hurts, kinda dizzy, light headed, etc. I’m wondering when it started, as I’ve been kinda off the last few days. Today when I woke up, I just noticed it the most.

Thinking, too much stress, too much thinking. Done a lot of that lately, parrticularly a lot of praying. And perhaps now it’s time for a break, to get away from things for a while, just not think, not focus on life. Need to relax a lot more, get some sleep, drink some more water, etc. So, this weekend will be a relaxing, easy weekend smile. Good weekend, all readers, as I’m going to go do stuff, and stop making no sense.

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The world of randomness

by on Feb.17, 2004, under General

First note, I have to agree with a friend on this sentiment with regards to Microshaft:
I agree totally and completely. It’d be nice if they could do standards of SOME sort….

On a completely different note, I had an interesting evening, praying and thinking after going to daily mass. I’ve also decided that I’m going to try and hit any of the daily masses that I can. I remember once, a long time ago, being very excited about going to daily mass, and when I was a freshmen and sophomore, going almost 5 days a week. I’ve been trying to figure out the last few weeks/months why I had lost interest in it, as well as had been struggling with my faith in general. I’ve been trying to figure out why, trying to figure out my views on God, religion, etc. I sorta had some realizations here this afternoon or evening.

First, I realized that a part of it was a loss of community. I no longer feel all that welcome at Newman, or see people who are all that welcoming or interested in talking. It used to be after daily mass, at least a few people would hang around and chat. With that loss of community, it was like going to church alone in many ways. There were few, if any there who would welcome me, and with that, I stopped feeling comfortable at Newman. Now, as part of that, I should have welcome Linda going with me to mass, and been glad of her company (and I was the few times I did go with her). But I really never gave it enough of a chance, and I wonder if I was still so put off by the lack of community….

Second reason, including some realizations with what I did with Linda, and the mistake I made there in breaking up with her. I realized these last few years, that in a lot of the things I was struggling with, instead of opening up on whatever issue, I was trying to deal with them alone, without any help. Further, instead of asking God for help, the one person I at least should have asked, I turned away. All this time, I should have been asking for guidance and stopped praying. It’s interesting to note, that God is pretty forgiving, and has been helping me a lot lately, and I’m hoping I’m doing his will now…. There’s no real good excuse for any of my behavior (well, excuses aren’t good at all), and the only thing I can do is try and analyze my behavior (and like any thought of mine, give it time, and it may change as I analyze it again and again and ….).

The only thing I’ve “figured out” is that I’d grown up doing things on my own, grown up without any real faith, and only recently have I received any challenge on such issues. I had always dealt with things on my own, and continued to try doing so. It’s interesting that now, after so much, I’m finally facing that challenge, and turning towards God, in my moment of “need”. And with that, I’ve done a lot of praying, and feel I’ve received a lot of answers. Some of them are kinda confusing and scary, and there’s not so much a definite with them, and I wonder at times whether it’s really God’s guidance, or my own wishes. One of the answers that I am sure that is from God, is the whole commitment thing, the realization and acceptance that I had an issue with that. And the interesting thing, is that after praying to God about it, I overcame my fear of commitment.

I was deathly afraid earlier of any kind of commitment, and instead of talking to God, praying, or talking to Linda about it, I tried dealing with it on my own. I think my heart realized it wanted to make a commitment, and as I’d told a friend, I had planned on it at some point, but I was so scared of it that I couldn’t hardly face the thought of commitment, and struggled with it alone. This evening, I had a conversation with a friend, and he commented that he saw that in me, saw that I really wasn’t in some ways ready for a commitment. With that, and looking back, I still see so much of a commitment fear, and wish I’d seen it sooner. That’s why I made a mistake and broke up with Linda. I just now wish I’d noticed it earlier, that perhaps I could have turned towards God sooner, instead of only now working on the challenge Linda gave me a while back – to work on my faith and to pray to God. But, perhaps I just needed the space to do so, to realize that he was lacking in my life.

So, in all bad things, there are some good. Regardless of what my future holds, at least I’ve learned to ask God for help carrying my burdens, to open up more, instead of trying to shoulder and deal with it all myself. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and in some ways, I never learned it, even when I started with my faith journey. As part of that, I also wonder where it’s leading me. I just regret not noticing my difficulties sooner, not saying something, not PRAYING sooner…

In the end, all I can do is trust in God, have faith, pray one heck of a lot, and look forward to his help and guidance. So, as always, I ask for prayers, for help, guidance, strength to follow God’s will, faith in his plan, and most importantly, the wisdom to know his will and to differentiate it from mine. I’m hoping right now that what I feel is his will, praying that it is….

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Wow, some memories… and odd?? thoughts..

by on Feb.16, 2004, under General

I was in a traffic jam today while driving to my parents house. There was an accident on I-70 near Lake of the Woods, on the east-bound side of I-70. It was stopped all the back to 63. The thing that’s entertaining was that it brought back a lot of memories of when I was in my parents minivan as a kid. The reason it brought back some of these memories, is that instead of being a passenger, this time I was driving. It was a weird sensation, to be in a completely different place, to look back and see where I’ve come. Even more, it was kind of a role reversal, to be driving instead of being the kid.

Even weirder was a feeling or thought that I’d never really had before. That I’d like kids in the back seats, kids who are my own. That I’m almost in a sense ready for that next step. I’m of course not ready yet, and probably won’t be for a year or two, but it’s like, all of a sudden, I can perceive such a thing as being possible (even preferable), while a few months ago, the thought of committing to anything on a permanent basis scared the living piss out of me. Now, for some reason, and perhaps it was just time and space alone, and all this prayer I’ve been doing lately, I can perceive of having kids, being married, etc. and it doesn’t scare or bother me. That even more, I actually look forward to it at some point.

It’s an odd thought, and maybe just a sign of getting older. Or it’s a sign of finally making permanent decisions. I’ve made a lot of them lately, and with the decision to try and move forward in life, to get past where I’d been, to find God’s path, this realization, this willingness to look forward, and even in some ways excitement has come into my life.

Now, please understand, in some ways I’m still very scared by the thought, and it will take time to adjust. But, here recently, with a lot of decisions I’ve made and thought heavily about, I realized that I do want kids, several of them (4 would rock), and that someday I intend to be a parent. And that someday I think I’ll be a good parent….Odd, so very odd….

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Source code, presentation, etc.

by on Feb.12, 2004, under Technical

I gave a presentation the other night to the University of Missouri Mac Users Group and Association for Computing Machinery group on campus. The presentation was a REALLY quick run through on programming on OS X. I’m posting the tar.gz file which includes the presentation, a SIMPLE java program (which doesn’t have much at all), and last, but not least, the source code for the site here. I’m calling the project “PHBlog” right now, and releasing it under the GPL. If you want just the source for this site, you can download it here: phblog_source.tar.gz and if you want the presentation on Oracle, PHP, Java, etc. on OS X, you can find that here: MUG_ACM_Presentation.tar.gz. Feel free to email me with any questions.

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Some rambling thoughts, trying to figure stuff out…

by on Feb.11, 2004, under General

I’ve been sitting in bed for the last hour, unable to sleep. It’s one of those where late at night, I sit and just think, often about the past, often questioning myself. I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings, figure out my life, just figure things out in general. I have no definite conclusions, and probably never will. Everything changes over time, and with that, my feelings change, and thus my conclusions would change.

Some things I’ve thought about, and maybe come up with though. What hurt a lot about being called a lier, beyond being a central part of me – my belief in honesty – is that I don’t know that there was any way I could have explained things going on in my life at the time. This was primarily because it wasn’t untill a few months later when I figured that stuff out. I’ve never been one who’s been good at emotions, or understanding my own emotions. And that’s why I’m often a night owl. I’ll sit up late, thinking, pondering, analyzing what I’ve felt, what was going on in my life at various moments. That’s one of the reasons being called a liar hurt so much – it’s because I was honest. I just didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. I didn’t have the words for it at the time, didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling, or the stress, or all the details, and I got penalized heavily for that. It took me two months just to figure things out. As such, I was called a liar because I couldn’t explain with words at the time what I was feeling, and thus it was out of my control, and that hurts – to have that label, to no longer be trusted because I had no way of explaining things at the time, and that even later when I did explain things, it wasn’t ok. Despite a promise earlier that that was fine. Even more, being called a liar because I didn’t know at the time what I was feeling, is just hard to deal with. I just wish that I could have explained things better, or understood them better, that “life had a rewind button” so I could go back, and explain things as I see them now. As they say, hindsight is 20/20

Part of all of this, is I look now, and wonder what happened. Whether I could have tried harder to explain things, whether I could have looked deeper in myself, not let the emotions of the time affect my judgement. Further, I wonder if there is any way I could have said things better, to explain things better, or whether if perhaps we’d both listened more to each other, whether that would have helped.

Now, I have at least recognized at least one fear that I have. It’s fear of the future, fear of committing to an unknown path, or any path that I’m not already on. It’s a fear I’ve held for a long while, and it’s one I’ll probably always hold. It’s fear of being alone, of not knowing what is in my future, what the path ahead bears, as it’s something I’ve never seen or done. It’s a fear of uncertainty, especially now when everything I’d hoped for has been taken away, and now I really don’t know where I’m heading. I’m trying to figure that out, figure out what path to follow, figure out what God is calling me to do, and I’m trying not to be afraid to follow that. Further, I’m trying not to be afraid of being hurt again, and trying not to let the hurt sink in deep, to look for hope, to trust in God as I need to. This isn’t an easy thing, and it’s hard doing it alone. I know God is with me and that I’m not really alone, but that’s sometimes hard, because it requires faith, and faith is an emotion. And as said, emotions are hard for me to understand or deal with.

I still don’t have too many conclusions and only time, as said, will maybe help me to see clearly. I do know I’m going to keep walking whatever path God has set before me, and pray for help, pray for guidance, and the patience to do as God has asked. I pray that God will guide me through all of this, help me figure out my thoughts, help with healing, and just help in general.

So, a few last prayer requests for the evening – that of just prayer for God’s will, that it be done, and that we trust in that, and in healing with time, healing and understanding. That what I feel God is calling me is what he really wants me to do and that I’m really listening to him, and not my wants, and that he help me through all my struggles. And one last prayer – for help explaining what I’m feeling, help with my feelings, dealing with them, and understanding them.

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Massive site updates

by on Feb.09, 2004, under Site Updates

Added calendar support this evening/morning. Yes, I’m nuts, and spent the last two or three hours working on this. But, it does work. It’s not quite perfect yet, as I’m not sure I like the layout on the left links side, and may readjust that, but that’ll be later. Now, it’s bed time. At least the programming helped me avoid thinking for a while…

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Was the year and seven months all a lie?

by on Feb.08, 2004, under General

I remember distinctly visiting a friend, when shit was going on in his life, and his significant other was having major issues. I remember one line right now, distinctly “was the last X years all a lie?” That’s what I’m feeling like, right now. That all the trust, all the honesty, all that of myself, which was everything, that I trusted was all for nothing. And the hard part is, I really don’t want to believe that, and in some ways, can’t believe that. I can’t believe that everything I worked so hard on, everything I cared so much about, is gone, that all my trust, that everything was false. It’s something that hurts, very very deeply. I’m still dealing with it, and probably will for quite some time. I just hope that someday we’ll both get past this. I hope that someday, she’ll realize it wasn’t a lie. That maybe it was all real, not just a dream…. Even harder, is that I still hope, someday for reconcilliation.

Hope and love are funny things. It’s hard, that even when hurt the most, more than you ever thought you could be hurt, and by the person you love the most, you still love that person, regardless. I guess that’s really the answer – that love isn’t a lie, no matter what anyone else believes. And it’s that which I’ll hold to, despite everything. I have to trust in love, and in hope, and most definitely in God, who’ll help me with this. I’ll have to hope that love was true, and wasn’t in vain, and that it was real. It still feels real, right now, deep in my heart….Maybe someday it will be real again….

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And I didn’t think I could be hurt that much…

by on Feb.07, 2004, under General

I didn’t think anything would hurt like this. Being accused of lying by a person you loved more than anything in the world, when you NEVER lied to her. I may not have told her everything going on in my life IMMEDIATELY, but I did eventually, and I at least always said I was struggling with stuff, to let her know that I did have stuff on my mind. I don’t think anything has ever hurt as much, as being told that, as I’m hurting right now. Jesus Christ guide and protect me right now, because I’m needing it. Someone pull the BFG9000 out of my chest, because I’m a fucking mess.

In other words, that one line, “you lied to me” when I’ve always prided myself on being honest, when that’s a core part of myself, my views on honor, etc. and hearing that from the person who I loved most… let’s just say pain is understatement. In some ways, this hurts more than anything else……

Somebody fucking shoot me now.

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Well, I’m sick today…

by on Feb.05, 2004, under Technical

Yuck. Feeling dizzy, nauseated, all that annoying nasty stuff. Yuck indeed. But, I’m alive – and that’s a good thing. smile Now, here’s some other good things for all the aim users out there:
Windows AIM 5.5.

Why is this so cool? Because it finally adds voice/video chat to AIM, and it works with the mac iChat video/audio chat stuff. So, that means people can audio chat with me smile

Course, Mac users need the iChatAV beta that was just released, and can be found here:iChatAV Beta download

Go, download young Padawan’s, and feel the power, of the voice…

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Hmm, interesting results…

by on Feb.04, 2004, under General

Just took the poll on Christian’s site. Some very interesting results:

Your Results:

  1. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%)
  2. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT – Democrat (62%)
  3. Kucinich, Rep. Dennis, OH – Democrat (62%)
  4. Sharpton, Reverend Al – Democrat (61%)
  5. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR – Democrat (55%)
  6. Kerry, Senator John, MA – Democrat (52%)
  7. Edwards, Senator John, NC – Democrat (49%)
  8. Bush, President George W. – Republican (25%)
  9. Phillips, Howard – Constitution (21%)

Any thoughts/comments? Some things I’m for – I’m pretty prolife, as much as I don’t think that should be forced on people. Second, VERY environmentalist, support a national health care for all, increased support for education, and several other policies. *grin* Go figure, being pretty heavily Catholic wink

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