Jason's Blog

Additional thoughts on my introspection…

by on Mar.23, 2005, under General

I wanted to make one last note about why playing as a dark side character bothered me so much. It’s because in playing I made evil choices. And it bothers me that I made those choices. It bothers me down to the very essence of what I am. For me, any major decision I make, I have to go over and over, often thinking back to past decisions and mistakes, to look for what is the truth, to see what is right. And, with that introspection I eventually decide what is right, and do my best to either make things right somehow, or to find a way to make up for that decision. Somehow, someway, I do my best to make things right in any situation where I feel I’ve made a mistake. I look at past situations, where I had someone’s car towed and I remember worrying about whether I made the right decision. In that instance for example, I doubted my decision for a while, but eventually decided I did make the right decision, that I did follow my sense of justice and what was right. For me, this introspection comes in nearly every decision I make. That’s why I’ve been thinking so much the last few days, struggling with that sense of self and of what is right or not. Because even the simple choice of how to act in a video game is a sign or a part of doing the right thing. A person could argue that it’s just a simple video game, that it isn’t real. But that’s the problem – the choices we make in every situation are part of who and what we are. If you can make the wrong choice or an evil choice in something as simple as a video game, that’s still making a wrong or evil choice, and in itself is wrong.

Another thought on this is the nature of being decent to neighbors, things like that. One of the things I realized a while back – it’s not where you’re at or how you’re raise – it’s who the you are on the inside. Every person can be a good or bad person. Being in the city or being in the country makes no difference on this. I’ve seen bad people in every area of life. The romanticism of a country person versus city person is nonsense. Stereotypes don’t apply – it’s a matter of doing what’s right in any situation. Interestingly enough, some people who act tough and crude are often better people than the ones who act nice and seem honorable. It’s what’s on the inside that matters most – and that’s something a person can’t see without looking deeply. I’d take a person who makes rude jokes, who laughs at politically incorrect commentary, who shoots guns, who likes fighting, but still upholds the concepts of honor, justice, and such principles over someone who abhors violence, but treats others with contempt, who keeps hatred in their hearts. Condemning a person for being “bad” or drinking or partying or such things is rot – condemning a person for being evil, or for making choices that harms others – that’s where I have problems with people. I remember once discussing this, talking about a “line” to be crossed or that people cross. The thing is, there is no line. It’s not a line, it’s who and what you are that is the restriction – if a person is good and truly cares, a line doesn’t exist, because that person in their very nature does try and do what’s right. Making jokes or teasing or being crude doesn’t change the goodness that can be found inside. Not all who are crude are good, and not all who are good are bad – appearances are deceiving. It’s the heart of a person that makes a person good or bad, and finding or knowing that a person is good is a hard thing to know.

I know I’m rambling a bit on this, but it’s a hard thing to explain, but also an important thing to explain – it’s just hard for me to see how many people can be so evil in so many ways, because I can’t help but feel that goodness, that truth, that honor is so important. It’s why I’m able to accept people and love still those who sometimes are crude, or seem insensitive, because at heart, they’re still good people. Maybe this makes no sense, but maybe it does. I guess in the end what I’m saying is that I respect someone who is in their hearts good, regardless of what they act like – because a good person can’t in the end help but be good, and that’s a hard thing to find – someone who truly believes in doing what’s right, who looks to do what’s right.

In the end, part of this is that I just wish that I had better luck with some of this, both in showing that aspect of myself, and in finding people who respect that sense of right and wrong. That I knew more people who respect that intensity of honor that I hold so dear, that that intensity wouldn’t scare or bother people so much….

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