Jason's Blog

Major changes in life

by on May.18, 2006, under General

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted… so much has gone on, that I’m not sure how to explain it all. I could do a list of events, but it’s not the events themselves often but the results of the various occurances that mean the most. Still, to understand where things end up, you have to understand where they start from. Or so I’ve always thought. You shouldn’t focus on the start of things though, other than for understanding. I used to focus on the past, heavily. In some ways, I still do and this post is in some way a reflection of that, yet it’s also a “clearing” or a statement, or a way to get things out in a way I’m not normally able to do so, through conversation or other methods. Thus, people get to hear more of what’s going on in my head than normal.

With that minor “diatribe” out of the way, I suppose I should begin with all that has been going on in life lately, and there definitely has been a vast list of events. I’ll start with my last posts, and move forward chronologically from that point onward, although please forgive any daliances I make with my thoughts wandering all over the country side, like they tend to do.

The last real bit of information on what was going on in my life was the search for a house. This search, unfortunately, has failed at this point in time. I was unable to find a house that was desirable, or more to the heart of the matter, desirable at a desirable price. SO, I’m renting yet another year. The plan however is next year to purchase a residence where I’ll be more or less permanently located. This of course has a number of ramifications, and has had me pondering things with great anticipation, heavy introspection, as well as lots of dread and fear combined. It is a more “permanent” decision in many ways than I have made in a long time. I’ve made decisions, but I’ve never really settled down, in any sense. The decision to stay in the Columbia area is one that I look at, and fear, for a number of reasons. I’ll get into some of those momentarily, but let me continue with some of the other events that occurred after the house shopping.

A major factor in my life lately, and one I alluded to with a much earlier Malcolmpost around the February time period, has been a new 4 legged family member by the name of Malcolm. Malcolm has been a wonderful friend, as well as distraction, companion, and sleeping buddy of mine. He’s also pulled me out of the house even when I’ve not been in the mood to go running around the neighborhood to stop and sniff at every plant, tree, and fire hydrant in the area. Yet, despite waking me up at odd hours of the night, or wayyy too early on a Sunday morning, Malcolm has been a major blessing in my life, and I’m very glad to have him around.

Now, there are times where Malcolm is definitely a difficulty and struggle – having him around is like having a small child. It’s a responsibility and a struggle at many times. Coming home and finding a very olfactory enhancing “present” is not the most entertaining thing in the world. Neither is the 3am wakeup call when thunder is going on outside my window. And, it’s also made my trips to St. Louis or other locations…. difficult, to say the least. I miss, VERY much, all my friends in St. Louis, and lately it’s been very hard not to be able to just pack up and come visit on a whim. Malcolm, unlike a child, is not welcome in all households. This has made any level of traveling very difficult. However, as stated earlier – there ARE a great many rewards to having Malcolm around, and I wouldn’t trade them (most days : ) ) if I had the choice.

Other than Malcolm entering my life, a major, recent change has been the departation of Laura. Laura is a wonderful woman – I can’t express that enough – yet due to issues, that are private and I won’t discuss here, I broke up with her. [edit]I’ve commented out some of this stuff. Just to clarify – I made mistakes, made a lot of them, but not going to air the personal laundry here. I felt that talking about our breakup really didn’t need, nor deserve any more commentary than already exists.[/edit]
One of the last major changes in my life is that I’m moving yet again. My current roommate situation is changing in that the 2 girls James and I are currently living with, wanted to live with 2 more girls. As such, James and I are moving into a new duplex over off of Nifong. I’ve already started the packing and moving process, and intend to be completely moved into the new place (or at least mostly) by Monday. Like any wish, we’ll see if it comes true or I’m just living a pipe dream. I suspect though that I’ll have MOST of my belongs moved in, with only minor holdouts dealing perhaps with odd things tucked into various closets.

Last, and this is probably the biggest issue for me, is a major struggle of faith. Or more, where my faith is going. For those who know me, they realize I don’t really have any doubts in God/Christ. If anything, the doubts I’ve had have all been centered around the Catholic church. And, lately, those doubts have been more about myself. I’ve been struggling, HEAVILY, lately with my faith, with any level of faith, with my “Christianity” and what I believe in. I’ve struggled, and struggled, and struggled, yet have come to no solutions. I haven’t been to church in a very long time, minus a few oddities here and there (i.e. going with Laura during family visits). I have had no motivation, no desire, and if anything, more along a certain… fear? Aprehension? I’m not sure if I’ve got the words to adequately describe my feelings on it, but I haven’t had a home in a very, very, very long while, and so it’s been very hard for me to take any active role or participate directly in the church. I haven’t even been to a retreat in 3+ years at this point. Right now, and particularly lately, I’ve been feeling like a ship lost in a storm, struggling to stay afloat, wandering here and there with no direction or no idea where I’m going. More than anything, I think this has been my main struggle. I would appreciate prayers from anyone who reads, or perhaps a story or commentary on times you’ve struggled similarly… I’d love to have an easy answer on how to get through this, but I don’t think there are any such answers. SO, prayers and comments, please.
Like any major update, there are numerous things said and unsaid here. There is more to the story of Malcolm and how I haven’t traveled as much because of him, more to the moving situation, more to the breakup with Laura, and much more to my faith struggle than I’ve listed here. However, those details will have to stay where they are – in my head – at least for now. Maybe I’ll talk more about those events in a future post, but more than likely some other topic will come to the foreground. Who knows what direction my mind or my life will take?

1 Comment for this entry

  • Anonymous

    It always comes down to people, doesnt it?  The people are the church. 

    Upon leaving college, we had a difficult search for a church.  The people at the first church we tried were unfriendly.  We stayed away from church for a couple of years because we simply didnt feel that we belonged.  The next church we tried seriously had a seemingly nice congregation at first, but we soon discovered that we did not agree with many of their philosophies. 

    Three years after moving, we ventured to try the first church again, and have finally found a family.  Not surprisingly, weve discovered that most of the people whove befriended us have joined the church in the past 3 years.  I cant express in words how comforting it is to once again have a church family with whom to share prayers and praise. 

    My advice to you is to continue searching for a church family.  Dont be afraid to return to old places, you may find new friendly faces or discover long forgotten friends.

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